Words For Me
I was so scared to write again after I wrote Upstream.
The piece was read by more people than I ever imagined. I had emails from more people than my inbox and brain had space for. And I had more Instagram messages and Likes than a Bachelor contestant (well probably not but I did feel ‘famous’ for a while).
Upstream was good. I know it was. But since writing it I have been shit scared to write again because ‘what if it isn’t as good?’
Upstream took me a couple of hours to write. The words just flowed out of my fingers. I woke up the Sunday morning before the Tuesday I published it and wrote almost the whole thing. I woke again on Monday and finished it off without blinking. The piece needed only one edit - I misspelled the word prioritises. Other than that it was perfect.
I sent it off to my mum, she’s a writer, so I always like her opinion and grammar checks. She praised it, said it didn’t need editing and said it should be published properly.
I had no energy to chase publication. I just wanted my truth out there. I needed to exhale it from my body so I just published it on my own blog. It was the biggest exhale of my life. I felt free. I felt true.
And the next inhale I drew in… well it filled me with love, kindness, support, strength and hope from all corners of the globe. An inhale I never knew I needed.
But what next? What do I do now? What do I write next? How do I match that performance?
It wasn’t until just now, 17 days after publishing the piece, that I pulled my laptop out and felt I could write again… but this time only for me.
It wasn’t until just now that I realised the fear and questions that were holding me back from writing were the same ones that hockey dragged me down with.
When you’re playing well there’s an underlying angst that this is now the mark you’ve got to keep hitting. This is the standard now; gotta at least be this good - then you gotta be more.
Well, I don’t want that fear for my life or my writing. I’m not here to keep chasing a better version of me, or of my writing. I’m here to keep arriving at the truest version of me, and of my writing.
I want to write my truth - without the fear that it’s not as perfect, as touching, as healing or as groundbreaking than Upstream.
So these words are just for me. If you stumble upon them, thank you for reading.